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The wrong way to survive a summer. [entries|friends|calendar]
the last days of summer

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[07 Mar 2004|09:38am]
i'm officially fat enough to give blood.
fat enough that mt face looks like a melon, its so fucking swelled up.
i get compliments on my body, and thats nice, but i still want to change it.
is it worth it to lose my butt and breasts if i can lose my thighs?
i was fucking my best friend, always stupid, and i'd like to say it was just fucking, but that would be a lie. when did it become more? why why why? i walked in knowing i would get hurt, felt myself getting hurt and said "fuck it."
and now whos been fucked? me.
and he loves me, he really does. my life is spiraling out of control so fast.

i cant fucking believe it. i'm 5'1". 110.
i look at myself and thik, you have fallen so far.
my fucking fat barely stays in anymore. i'm sure my waist is like 27, i'm afriad to look.
i cant do this shit anymore.
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[06 Sep 2003|12:19am]
ok so i guess i was aiming to party tonight, but when did a big mac become needed?
oh man, i ate a fucking hamburger, oatmeal for breakfast, 4 twizzlers for lunch. and a big mac. WHY GOD?
btu i only had like 2 shots of liquor.
and the weight? still 105, thank god.
exboyfriend was at the party and i thought i would cry. sigh.
1 comment|post comment

almost happy [04 Sep 2003|06:59pm]
so my boyfriend (who is GORGEOUS) and i broke up. and i know ti wasnt my weight. and i know it really wasnt anything but his disinterest.. but i dont know.. it hurts alot.

i want to cry but i cant.

so what did i eat today?

5 4" stalks of celery and a 5 calorie boullion cube emersed in 3 cups of water.

i'm almost done with my soup. and i just weighed myself.


now i know its just a lie, but if i dont eat anything else today (which is the goal) and nothing tomorrow, except maybe broth... no, its little fuckin allowances like THAT that kill diets! no broth. nothing tomorrow, oh but i really need to get trashed to rid myself of a broken heart.. but liquor= sooo many cals. damn.
but i dont have to drink so much if i havent eaten. ahhhh!

alright. good job chase.
no just keep it up. sigh. i know its just water weight but you guys.. i wish i could really lose 3.5 pounds in one day.
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what a failure. no breakfast, no lunch and only chicken soup. [03 Sep 2003|10:54pm]
546 calories. 4 miles ran. 30 minutes of weights.

i cant do this.
i am too fat.

you guys ive been eating near nothing and i cant lose weight what the FUCK!?

you guys i think i'm going to cry so fucking hard...

this msomehow makes me feel worse

TheLastTimeThatI: DANNY
KeepRefr1gerated: eh?
KeepRefr1gerated: good
KeepRefr1gerated: ur too skinny
TheLastTimeThatI: no danny
TheLastTimeThatI: i'm going to cry
TheLastTimeThatI: i ate 500 calories today
KeepRefr1gerated: its going to be windy tomorrow, make sure u wear heavy shoes so u dont fly away
TheLastTimeThatI: ha, i wish.
7 comments|post comment

crazy. [29 Aug 2003|07:27pm]
so i am so irritable right now i think i'm going to die. i cant stop crying and shit and the worst stuff has happened to me.
possible reasons:
-i only took 1 xenadrine today instead of 2
-i have my period
-i didn't eat today

i cant stand being this fat, i think i'm going to kill something.
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[25 Jun 2003|12:32am]
i feel fucking terrible, like i want to go stuck my head down the drain.
r i want to cry, or sleep, or take alot alot alot of drugs.
oh man how i crave drugs right now.

see and the problem is i feel DISGUSTING i hate myself this fat, this ugly, i hate this summer.
oh man, i just cant get out of this rut...
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[23 Jun 2003|11:20am]
it rained all day yesterday, its finally dry out.
i miss him so much, i wore his jacket to work yesterday and the kids were like, "you play football?" and i was like fuck you it was a joke, it made me miss him more.
its 11.20, and i'm fucking starving, but i gained so much weigh this week i cant even tell you, i look disgusting and feel disgusting and i'm up ariund 110. 110!!!! what the fuck?
its cause i wne to a funeral on saturdya, i always eat alot at those. i was 102 on friday. i'll probably never see my goal of 95, he'll think i'm fat and ugly and gross and probably break up with me.
i dont blame him.
5 comments|post comment

okay guys big dilema. [19 Jun 2003|01:54am]
do i start taking birthcontrol pills?

because i want to have sex with my boyfriend without a condom.

but. my period will come every month like clock work.

can i still be ana?


does anyone know?
2 comments|post comment

[19 Jun 2003|12:16am]
i didnt eat today.
i smoked and didnt eat. bomb.
oh. a lollipop.
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fitday is down [17 Feb 2003|01:03pm]
ran for 15 minutes 1.45 miles, calesthetics for 35 minutes.
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the new diet revolution. [11 Feb 2003|10:42pm]
all i want to do is help people lose weight.

i devised this plan which, if followed correctly, is a more interesting, more free 2-4-6-8 diet.
its for people who cant just eat 200 calories, god knows i cant.
this is healthy foods that burn fast, combined with a little excercise.

i want to put this in a book, because i honestly think it works.
does anyone want to try it out?

all of you, if youre serious about losing weight and keeping it off, try this.

so i'm naming my diet, its called the sqaure diet. because you eat square meals.
evelyn chase urban's square diet.

monday- 8 am: 1 cup puffed wheat cereal with (skim) milk, 10 am: apple, 12 pm: salad with chicken, 2 pm: 1/2 granola bar, 4 pm: 1/2 granola bar, 6 pm: raw celery and carrots, 7 pm: small peace of fish/ chicken on bed of rice.

tuesday- repeat monday with slight variation (pear instead of apple etc.)

wednesday- 8 am: 1 cup puffed wheat cereal without milk, 10 am: clementine tangerine or other small fruit (1/2 banana), 12 pm: salad w/ fat free low cal dressing and chicken, 4 pm: 1/2 granola bar (save other half for tomorrow), 7 pm: smaller peace of fish or meat- no rice or bread

thursday- repeat wednesday. now youre eating 5 small meals and shouldnt feel constant hunger.

friday- 8 am: 1 cup puffed wheat, 10 am: 1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt with pieces of about 1/3 a banana, 12 pm: salad no dressing, lots of vegetables small piece of lean chicken, 4 pm: 1 cup puffed wheat, 6.30 pm: 1 cup brothy soup, fat free croutons

saturday- repeat friday

sunday- 9.30 am: plain fat free yogurt with 1/2 cup dry oats mixed in, 2 pm: carrots and celery, 6.30 pm: steamed vegetables on piece of thick french bread

monday- 9 am: 1/2 cup puffed wheat, 12 pm: carrots, celery, salad with fish or chicken, 3 pm: 1/2 cup puffed wheat, 6.30 pm: steamed vegetables NO BREAD

tuesday- repeat monday

wednesday- start cycle over again.

the idea is, if you do this cycle maybe three times, so like 4 weeks, your metabolism stays high, your body wont be hungry and you will be healthy and still lose weight. this is combined with 30 minutes of physical activity a day, like 15 minutes in the morning, 15 in the evening to jump start your system, then to digest your food.
this is good because when you eat your largest meal at lunch your body takes the rest of the day to process the food, versus eating a big breakfast (hungry by 2 pm!!!) or big dinner (starving all day, binge eating all night).
also, the more water you drink the better you'll feel, and of course, you MUST take a multi vitamin!!!!!
the more balanced your lunch meal is (water, protein, vegetables) the better you'll be. and i promise the small snacks all day long really do help with the constant craving. the first day is designed to fight those cravings! (hence the granola bar. nature valley 'honey and oats' are they best, they come 2 small ones to a pack, eat one small one at one time and the other at the other)

variety is key!
appropriote vegetable substitutions:
greenbeans, broccoli, cucumbers, zucchini.
NO: potatoes, beets, eggplant, avacados, olives.

appropriote meat/fish selections:
1/4 swordfish blade/steak, 2/3 cup chicken breast (white meat only, no bone, not cooked with skin), 1/2 cup turkey breast (white meat), 1/4 salmon blade/steak, 1/3 cup lobster meat (shredded or chopped), 5 jumbo shrimp, 1/2 cup tuna fish.

salad is:
lettuce, onions, mushrooms, sliced tomato

interesting meal ideas:
healthy low fat low cal food doesnt have to be bland, throw in some garlic for a little variety, salt and pepper also change the flavor of things. lemon juice works well, flavoring meals with homeade (NOT JARRED.) salsa helps.
try using the salsa as a coating for chicken, bake it right on the skinless chicken then put the chicken with cooked white rice and put it all in the oven covered in foil with maybe a table spoon of salsa mixed in the rice, try for about 10 minutes, when you take it out you have an entire meal in one dish for you.

salsa (10 calories in 1 tablespoon)
2 medium tomatoes- chopped
1/4 1 medium red onion- chopped
3 sprigs of cilantro
1/8 cup jalepaneo pepper (to taste)- chopped
stick in a food processor and mix it all up. add salt to taste.

enjoy kids.
tell me how it goes.
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hey hey [07 Feb 2003|06:04pm]
if you want to see the nicest slope dieting anyone has ever seen for the last four or five days, check out my fitday log!


its pretty neat!

by the way, i ended up eating alot today because my body rebelled and wouldnt starve anymore.
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i'm dying. [07 Feb 2003|05:15am]
the worst night of my life, my heart wont stop going soo soo fast. every movment is so laboured. i dont know wether it was the fast or the pills but anas, im dying. i'm chugging water and eating puffe wheat but its not makin me feel better, nor i it helping.
i feel like i'm dying,,
weight 96
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bastards. [05 Feb 2003|10:11pm]
9i just wrote this and it deleted it.

fasted today ran for an hour, burned 860 cals total with 2 hours of yoga which is 270 cals.
then i broke down and ate wheat and brocolli. 107 calories, but jesus christ i feel like a failure of the worst decree.
perhaps i shall go do sit ups? that doesnt change the fact that i killed my body.
i'm not going to be able to run tomorrow, yoga yes, but no run.
tomorrow is a fasting day.

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stats per request [04 Feb 2003|06:19am]
high weight- 110
low weight- 80
goal weight- 85
current weight- 101
height- 5'1"

measurements as of feb 4.
waist- 23
left thigh- 19.5
right thigh- 19.25
thighs together- 32
breasts- 30
thighs right above knee- 15, and 14 respectivly 25 together

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the injustice of it all. [03 Feb 2003|06:43pm]
my friend is quasi bulemic, or bulemic to be trendy as i like to call it, so she can say shes better than me at something. and she got the flu and they took her to the hospital and she made herself throw up everytime they gave her food so the doctor said she cant have any solid food for 2 more weeks.
i'm so jealous i think i'm going to rot.
because shes always been heavier than me and made a big deal about it, and now if shes skinnier than me and still complains.. i'm fat. i'm fat then.
and my other friend, you know the friend who waves her 'perfect' body image around like a flag, saying how shes so proud of her curves and all, she has recently stopped eating. and now shes a size 0. god i wish i could just stop eating and be a size 0. i have to work to be a 1.
and shes like "i'm not skinny!" and of COURSE the first thing to shrink was her thighs. i'm going to cry because i cant shrink mine, i just cant and i dont know how!!! i try everything!!
and hers just disappeared.
and i'm so fat. this morning i got on the scale and its said 104. it hasnt said that in a week. and then i got on today after not having eaten all day and it said 102.
after not eating all day it is usually less. i dont know what im going to do.
i have no money for diet pills, i want to die.

you guys, if i dont lose 10 pounds fast, in this week, i dont think i'm going to make it till next week. i cant do this. i cant, i'm going to killmyself. everyone is skinner than me, and taller, and i am short and fat and disgusting and i'm not pretty and i have a jewish nose and i cant handle it. i cant keep living in this world of perfect blondes with cute turned up noses and no problems, who can just lose 10 pounds and be like "oh my gosh! i lost ten pounds, te-he!" i think im going to cry. i think i'm, going to cry, an i cant fast, because MY MOTHER WATCHES ME, and little does she know i'm going to kill myself if i cant starve.

all i want is to starve. goddamn. help me.
please i need surgery or something, i have to get rid of my thighs. im going to die if i have them much longer. why are they thick like tree trunks? i'm so short, why am i so fat?
\my legs touch all the way up. my knees touch my thighs touch, oh god, why?

i cant do this, i'm having a panic attack.
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plateau [02 Feb 2003|10:42pm]
i hit a plateau at 100.5 pounds.
now i'm not going to make my goal by valentines day.
i have a party on saturday, i bought a knockout dress. it is a tube dress. i look okay, but i could look smashing.
i want to lose 10 pounds this week.
but i'm stuck at this plateau.

any ideas on how to do it?
will straight up fasting get me this far?
should i eat vegetables to get my metabolism up?
what about xenadrine?
i need help anas. this is an emergency.
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[27 Jan 2003|10:28pm]
TheLastTimeThatI: i dont know
TheLastTimeThatI: i write to mark down how crazy i am
TheLastTimeThatI: so when i finally do murder someone, most likely ***********, i can have a lifelong amount of evidence that i'm psychopathic and therefore cannot be found guilty.
TheLastTimeThatI: so when i finally do murder someone, most likely toby shepherd, i can have a lifelong amount of evidence that i'm psychopathic and therefore cannot be found guilty
WasAnAngelOnce: i mean that, don't most writers?
WasAnAngelOnce: don't worry, i'll defend you if yoou kill toby.
WasAnAngelOnce: but whats he done now?
TheLastTimeThatI: haha he exists
TheLastTimeThatI: since when does he need to do something?
WasAnAngelOnce: point taken and you know i've never liked him and i dunno why. like--its rare i hate someone on sight.
WasAnAngelOnce: really iti s and i just dont freakin like him
TheLastTimeThatI: its cause hes cocky, but he masks it in false uncertainty. initially you feel bad for him, then you realized he used you. no one else to feel used.
WasAnAngelOnce: ugh. lets just beat him.
TheLastTimeThatI: can we?
TheLastTimeThatI: with a switch?
WasAnAngelOnce: definitely.
WasAnAngelOnce: but not in a kinky way
TheLastTimeThatI: hahah why not do both so we can sell it online?!>
WasAnAngelOnce: but who would buy it?
WasAnAngelOnce: its TOBY,.
TheLastTimeThatI: hahab bloody though?
WasAnAngelOnce: hm. well. amusing. but not sexy even if i were kinky that way which i'm not.
TheLastTimeThatI: hmm i am so i think its hot so it is
WasAnAngelOnce: oh well then :-)
WasAnAngelOnce: i didnt say it wasnt hot. i'm just questioning the us of toby. :-)
TheLastTimeThatI: hahaha
WasAnAngelOnce: however. people would pay for this video just on premise that is toby getting his ass kicked.
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[22 Jan 2003|06:32am]
half black half white, feeling righteous preaching of socialist rule while impatiently standing in line for starbucks
infected with american idol dreams
turned off by romance and turned on by hate
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[21 Jan 2003|10:19pm]
oh god..

not to encite a riot or anything, but i flipped on the TV today and it said there was a headline story about Xenadrine, which alot of you swear by. i watched the piece total fat propaganda for obese cows to freka out about right?

they might take it off the market!!!!

what the fuck?!!?!?

weight at morning: 101
weight right now: 104
497 cals
10 grams of fat
ran: 7.85 miles, -650 cals
calesthetics: 1 hour, -300 cals
why do i gain weight everyday?
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